Love and Fear – A change in your heart…
I went to my 32 week growth check ultrasound today. This pregnancy, while desired, has been excruciatingly hard for me in both physical and mental ways. I have had chronic nausea, insomnia, nightmares, exhaustion, dehydration, and anemia. I have been experiencing severe sciatic nerve pain and literal terror at the idea of undergoing a fourth labor. Yes, I know that in comparison to women with genuinely difficult pregnancies, this is nothing, but it has been all I can handle, especially with 3 toddlers. Mentally, all the physical symptoms have taken their toll as well. I have been extremely stressed about making this child feel as special as my other ones when our circumstances are different. I am so afraid of being unable to adequately parent four children under the age of 5, afraid of being disappointed by baby’s gender, afraid of not coming up with the right name and of not having enough love to go around. I’ve also been incredibly stressed about trying to pre-plan the baptism and pick the right godparents. Illogical, all of it? Maybe so. Blame it on pregnancy hormones and emotionality if you will.
However, just because the trials aren’t logical doesn’t make them any less real, or any less prone to bring me to tears at any given moment.
I realized today that I have been thinking about ME. Whether I will do things right. Whether I can handle it. Whether I will be able to make everything as picture perfect and romantic as it has been with all my others. Whether I feel good or not. Whether I like how things are going or not.
Not once have I truly given a thought to the actual child in my womb that I claim to love, his needs, and his life that I am honored and privileged to carry and protect. What are his needs (besides all the iron and calcium in my body)? What are the needs of any child? Simply to be loved. Loved with a love that aches just to hold them, kiss them, protect them and watch them grow. Loved with a love that is simple, genuine and complete.
So, I went to my 32 week growth check ultrasound today…. and I saw my son, saw him as if it were the first time. I saw his perfection. I saw his tiny nose and watched his eyes blink. I saw him grab his toes with his little tiny fingers. I saw his mouth moving and his heart beating and I fell in love, in real love for the first time with this tiny, perfect human being inside me. All the fear and all the stress started to fade away in an instant and I knew that he was all that really matters. No, I still don’t know his name and, no, I’m not excited about the inevitable, rapidly approaching contractions that will accompany his arrival. I don’t have godparents or fancy baptism plans any more than I did before, but something changed in my heart today. I don’t need any of the trimmings in order to love my baby, I just DO, and that’s all that matters. Love transforms worry and suffering into something with purpose and meaning. This new love, real love, changes the focus from myself to someone else. Everything is more bearable and more beautiful in this light.
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I can’t wait to meet you, baby boy. Everything is going to be ok.
Read about the end of this crazy pregnancy in my post: God Designs our Seasons