I went to my 32 week growth check ultrasound today. This pregnancy, while desired, has been excruciatingly hard for me in both physical and mental ways. I have had chronic nausea, insomnia, nightmares, exhaustion, dehydration, and anemia. I have been experiencing severe sciatic nerve pain and literal terror at the idea of undergoing a fourth labor. Yes, I know that in comparison to women with genuinely difficult pregnancies, this is nothing, but it has been all I can handle, especially with 3 toddlers. Mentally, all the physical symptoms have taken their toll as well.
Do you experience longing in your life? Longing for more? for relationships that actually matter? for answers? for truth? for honesty? Longing to be understood? known? appreciated? loved? Longing for freedom? freedom from pain? from weakness? addictions? depression? anxiety? stress? money? regret?
Do you get frustrated by failure? Do you feel that all too often your best efforts and best laid plans are thwarted by irritating nothings that somehow have the power to ruin everything? I’m pretty sure most human beings can agree that we aren’t the biggest fans of not measuring up to our own standards, or, even worse, to the standards we feel others place on us. As disappointing as it may be, we are all human, and part of being human necessarily entails weakness and imperfection. How can we ever find peace with our reality if we are trying to become something we are not (namely, perfect)? Is there any way to see our weakness in a more positive light?
So many people think that being yourself happens by doing stuff that “makes you” you. We fight so hard and so long to have the right job, the right clothes, the right car, phone, relationship, financial or social status so that we can prove to others who we “really are”. But isn’t this just us trying to create for ourselves a worth to fill the void within us that comes from not really knowing?