Learning to live true Biblical Submission has been on my mind and my heart for the last couple years now. Only in the last two months things have started to click in a way I never dreamed could happen. It is completely changing my life, my marriage, the way I see gender roles, and my appreciation of womanhood. It is so simple and yet so mindblowingly important! I’m not sure how we’ve been missing it up to this point.
I started out by doing research on how to love my husband better and what respect looked like to a man. I gave him space and practiced healthier methods of communication…. but something was still wrong.
The problem: How does one follow if a husband isn’t leading? How do they “submit” to him when he is just as broken as everyone else in the world? What if they desires something illogical, irresponsible, selfish, or, heaven forbid, sinful? Isn’t submission just coddling or exacerbating the problem?
Does submission really mean that we must surrender the marital debt whenever he wants, become a doormat, and feel cheep and worthless all the time? Surely something is missing…
I began to take the matter to prayer and realized some incredibly important lessons that are simply too important to keep to myself:
Life-Changing Lessons about Biblical Submission:
#1 – Yes, it matters how we treat our husbands.
Not because they deserve it, but because we love them. We choose them even when they are weak because we believe in them. That’s why we married them after all!
We must be kind and respectful with our words and our body language. We must stop complaining, gossiping, and accusing. Not because he is worthy of our respect but because we need to be a safe space for him to grow, and because the more kindly we treat him, the more we convict him to respect us in return. A good wife inspires respect, love, and admiration.
Read also: How to “Love your Enemy”
#2 – Submissive Wife ≠ Groveling Doormat
There is no virtue in allowing ourselves be mistreated (including by our spouse or our children) and then crying about it. It IS possible to learn how to kindly, lovingly, and respectfully require that we be treated according to our human dignity. To allow others to mistreat us, or any person, is to condone sinful behavior; hence, it is actually loving to the offending party not to tolerate their behavior (mostly by refusing to respond or by removing ourselves from the situation… We are not talking about lecturing, complaining, or lashing out here. this is a response to mistreatment out of love for the other, not self-defense).
Note regarding when a woman starts to cry, complain, or exaggerate seeking compassion for their woes or mistreatment:
When we seek pity, we are pitiable, not loveable.
When you play victim or wallow in self-pity they don’t feel inspired to rescue a damsel in distress, they are more likely to be disgusted by a “whiney baby”. In a healthy relationship, 9 times out of 10 your man will pity you and love you and attempt to rescue you when he is impressed by what you are carrying, not when you “act childish“.
If this is overwhelming to you…. don’t worry. You aren’t supposed to be able to do this alone. This is the entire purpose of grace and the result of prayer when we learn how to pray.
#3 – Submission = To be “Under the Mission” of
Submission means, quite literally, sub (meaning under from the Latin) and mission (as in purpose or goal). So the woman is meant to be “under the mission” of the husband.
Let’s break this down a little:
For her to be “under the mission” it means – under like a solid foundation. In a healthy relationship, he relies on her to ground him, to give him focus, drive, meaning, and purpose. He needs her to steady and orient him. When a wife believes in her man, his greatest fear is letting her down (also, incidentally why he shuts down when she complains about him)… therefore, whatever the task, he would rather die than fail.
When we married our husbands, we all married them seeing his potential. We fell in love with the man we saw underneath and hoped we could help bring that man out of him. They say that’s a bad idea. “You can’t fix people…” and that’s true, entering into marriage with someone, you should definitely expect their flaws to get more irritating, not less. But, you can believe in people, and refuse to give up on them. Thus, the woman’s role matters for the man to use his strength well.
But, the most important secret that changes absolutely everything is:
the man does not decide the mission!!!!!!!
At first I was thinking: if we have to “submit”, we better find a man we can respect to submit to, or a man whose “mission” we agree with… but this actually gives our man too much authority, it puts too much weight on him and can cause him to shrink. In the Fall, the enemy convinced Eve that the fruit would make them be “like God, deciding good and evil” but this weight is simply too much for a human to bear especially when his family and or the woman that he loves hangs in the balance. His uncertainty will either make him a tyrant (to “prove” himself), or a shadow of the decided and capable man you once knew. This makes you push and prod (trying to help) and makes him recluse more into whatever he uses to cope.
If we look at it from God’s perspective, He (God) already designated the “mission”.
Man’s Headship
The mission of the man is to be the windbreaker and the trailblazer for his family to get to God. He is meant to be the front line of defense in Spiritual Warfare and the woman’s emotional rock. He must remain so strong in prayer and convicted in Spirit that he is unwavering, even when his family questions his guidance. He is the provider and the protector and must stand strong to take the heat he will get for the difficult decisions the family must make to accomplish its mission. The woman stands at the service of his mission. She consoles him when the weight is too much, encourages him to maintain course, believes in him that he is capable of the task presented to him – not because he is worthy, but because he was born for this! This is his Calling and where he will find himself, and, incidentally, also where his wife and family will become most proud of him. He has the promise of all graces necessary for this mission. It is at the service of his mission for her to help him see this (lovingly and respectfully) when he waivers – not because she wants to hurt him, but because she is submissive – literally under, or at the service of, the mission. She is the heart of the entire operation. Without her, her husband is lost in the dark – without purpose, without conviction. Without her support and belief he is hopeless and unwilling to rise to the challenge that faces him every day to be the bullwark, the protector, the enabler, and the anchor.
Woman – The Nurturing Heart
It is important that the woman be a rational component in this whole situation so that she does not sway if her husband falters – as we humans are wont to do. It is important for her to pray for the strength of her husband in the difficulties of his mission, especially when she senses his weakness. The two work together in communion with God like a system of checks and balances to keep each other on track to reach Him. It is important that she be contemplative, articulate, and strong to hold space for the development in maturity of all the emotions that surround her and guard them all in her own deep heart. Her mind must remain clear and sharp and oriented in prayer for discernment and support in this mission.
Marriage & Biblical Submission
If it weren’t for the “mission” there would be no purpose for marriage. (Isn’t that why nobody is doing it anymore) We were created to be a team, to be the image of God together, not separately. The woman is the foundation of the mission of the man, not his replacement.
Biblical Submission – To each other?
There is a trend out there claiming that biblical submission means that man and woman must be submissive “to each other”. This view sees the spouses with equal leadership roles, but this would be about as useful as a car with two steering wheels. It does not supply for unity but for competition. There is definitely meant to be a headship, but a headship in Love. The man is not meant to lead his wife for his own designs or to “lord his headship over her”; that is only a result of the Fall. No. Sub-mission is meant to be a joyful and beautiful thing. It eliminates the weight of leadership from the shoulders of the woman and enables her to focus on her primary role as nourishing, lifegiving, encourager for all those who depend on her (including her husband) to reach their intended potential. Her ability to see needs and know (or at least discern) how to respond to them is unparalleled. Man is meant to guide his wife in Love, seeing her and appreciating her contribution to the relationship as the lifeblood of the entire operation, while he steers, protects, and enables that life to survive and thrive within his protective arms.
Conclusion – Biblical Submission
En Fin… Biblical Submission does not put the woman under the man’s foot like a bug on a shoe but as his solid foundation. Bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, we are his purpose and he our sturdy shelter. We steady each other by embracing each who we were meant to be and trusting the other to do the same (even when it is scary. This is the vulnerability of love. There is no reason for woman to fear Headship rightly designed and exercised. Submission is only painful because our husbands are subject to the curse of the Fall; as is woman (Genesis 3:16). However, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can choose to rise above, to go back. God has designed this mission and we are called to imitate Him together (Genesis 1:27;5:2). It is up to us to reclaim Eden and live as we were mean to live “from the beginning” (Matthew 19:8).
