Sometimes we think of being irreplaceable as free stardom. We think of it as something that “ups” our self esteem, that makes us worthy of awards, recognitions, praise and prizes. We all long to be seen as irreplaceable because it makes us feel valuable and loved.
It’s a beautiful thing!
I’m not going to lie, up until pretty much writing this post, I’ve resented being a mother. I see “I <3 being a mom” shirts and people tell me, “Just enjoy it, they grow up so fast” …but all I feel is jealousy and my blood starting to boil a little bit. I’m not saying I regret having children, because I don’t. I wanted them. I wanted this perfect little vision of children and motherhood that I had inside my mind. I had visions of tea parties and family board games (without pieces flying everywhere). I had visions of listening to my children laugh and play nicely together while I got things done nearby. I had visions of perfectly clean, little smiley angels who minded when I asked them nicely to do things as long as I was reasonable. I had visions of enjoying teaching my cooperative, attentive and eager little ones to read and learn about life, language, nature and God as they hung on my every word. I had visions of enjoying motherhood!
Do you see that face? Do you see that FACE? It is the epitome of uncontrollable joy. It is a happiness explosion that reaches to his toes, just because I looked at him and smiled!
Have you ever been around kids? All they want is to be seen. They can hardly do anything without an audience.
Why? Because it makes them feel worth our time and our attention. It makes them feel important and valuable. It makes them feel loved!
The other day I was complaining at God about myself. Seems like I do a lot of that… (Read also – Why, God?))
I was complaining that I am insufficient for the job He has been asking me to do. I’m not a patient enough mother, not a good enough listener, not an understanding or respectful enough wife. I am too quick to jump to conclusions and tend to think I have all the answers, but really it just makes me seem clueless and inconsiderate. I’m somehow unable to ever finish ordinary household tasks before my husband comes home from work at night and he ends up picking up my slack. (No, I don’t feel this is something I have to do, just something I love the idea of being able to do for him – trust me, it never happens).
Anyhow, I had a whole litany of my faults that I laid out at His feet to complain at Him for doing such a “poor job” when he created me.…
I have always struggled with my weight. I have always measured in the overweight/obese category on a BMI scale. I never learned anything about nutrition or a balanced lifestyle from my childhood and acutely felt the lack of knowledge as an adult. It wasn’t until after my first child was born that I finally began my journey to a healthier self.
We go through life surviving. We strive to be “normal”. We want to fit in. We want to get by. We want to just be comfortable. But there is so much more to life than normal, so much more than ordinary.
There is a special plan for each and every one of us. We were created by love, for love. We were created for Paradise, for perfection, for greatness for fulfillment (see Longing).
But, this world falls short of what we were created for. We lose hope. We lose focus. We lose sight of our value and our purpose.
We need a reminder. We need to come back to what really matters. We need to remember that we are particularly called.
I thought Tarcisius was going to be a dejavu child, a replica, an afterthought, a double take. After all, when he was born he looked indistinguishable from my others and his birthday is the same week as 2 of them. I thought that the fact that we didn’t travel during his pregnancy to pick out his name (like we have with all the others) would make him less special. I thought that somehow he was going to get lost in the busyness of 4 children. I thought that he would forever live in the shadow of my first boy who even daddy is jealous of most of the time. I thought I wouldn’t have enough love to go around and that I wouldn’t be a good enough mom once I was stretched this thin… but I was wrong.
When we focus on what we want and what we need we can have a tendency to forget what we already have. Last night I had a moment that reminded me again of the beauty of living in the present.
Lately I have been a nervous wreck. I’m finally full term pregnant with #4 and it feels like I’m a First Time Mom all over again. I’ve been worried and anxious and even started hallucinating about being in labor, but still nothing. I have been freaking out about my older three kids being sick right as baby is due and how germy my house will be. My anxiousness and impatience has been zapping what little energy I have and causing me to be a bit of a grouchy wife and mama.