I’m not going to lie, up until pretty much writing this post, I’ve resented being a mother. I see “I <3 being a mom” shirts and people tell me, “Just enjoy it, they grow up so fast” …but all I feel is jealousy and my blood starting to boil a little bit. I’m not saying I regret having children, because I don’t. I wanted them. I wanted this perfect little vision of children and motherhood that I had inside my mind. I had visions of tea parties and family board games (without pieces flying everywhere). I had visions of listening to my children laugh and play nicely together while I got things done nearby. I had visions of perfectly clean, little smiley angels who minded when I asked them nicely to do things as long as I was reasonable. I had visions of enjoying teaching my cooperative, attentive and eager little ones to read and learn about life, language, nature and God as they hung on my every word. I had visions of enjoying motherhood!
Do you see that face? Do you see that FACE? It is the epitome of uncontrollable joy. It is a happiness explosion that reaches to his toes, just because I looked at him and smiled!
Have you ever been around kids? All they want is to be seen. They can hardly do anything without an audience.
Why? Because it makes them feel worth our time and our attention. It makes them feel important and valuable. It makes them feel loved!
We love because he first loved us. ~ 1 John 4:19
I have been struggling a lot lately with being so needed. Anyone who is a mother knows this constant feeling all too well. You start to feel like your worth is purely utilitarian, like you don’t matter except when someone needs something – which they constantly do. There is no such thing as free time, and when there is, you pretty much always spend it doing something necessary. With four littles now, the perfectionist side of me is ashamed to admit that I am completely at the end of my rope.
The thing is, it’s always when I get to the end of my rope that God teaches me.
The other day I was complaining at God about myself. Seems like I do a lot of that… (Read also – Why, God?))
I was complaining that I am insufficient for the job He has been asking me to do. I’m not a patient enough mother, not a good enough listener, not an understanding or respectful enough wife. I am too quick to jump to conclusions and tend to think I have all the answers, but really it just makes me seem clueless and inconsiderate. I’m somehow unable to ever finish ordinary household tasks before my husband comes home from work at night and he ends up picking up my slack. (No, I don’t feel this is something I have to do, just something I love the idea of being able to do for him – trust me, it never happens).
Anyhow, I had a whole litany of my faults that I laid out at His feet to complain at Him for doing such a “poor job” when he created me.…
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ~ Matthew 11:29
We’ve all heard that there are 2 things you should never pray for, humility and patience. Why? Why because God might ask us to practice them, of course!
I have always struggled with my weight. I have always measured in the overweight/obese category on a BMI scale. I never learned anything about nutrition or a balanced lifestyle from my childhood and acutely felt the lack of knowledge as an adult. It wasn’t until after my first child was born that I finally began my journey to a healthier self.
My husband and I had been going through a string of hopeful days that somehow end in horrible nights – miscommunications, exhaustion, unkept promises, lack of time for each other, etc, etc, etc. A couple nights ago was the last straw…
After what seemed like an eternity of hostile silence, I finally asked my husband, “Do you think we are under attack?”
Why me? Why this? Why now? Why do these things happen to me?
Why must I constantly give more? Why does it feel like the more I give, the more you want to take? Why do you never let me feel like what I’ve given is good enough?
Loneliness is a real struggle for every human being at some point in their lives. Single people feel it “because they aren’t in a relationship” and those in relationships feel it when they find themselves at odds with their partner. Parents feel it when they feel unappreciated and unsupported. Sad people feel it when they need someone to talk to and their friend doesn’t answer the phone. Happy people feel it when they have no one to share their joy with. Employees or students feel it when their coworkers or classmates refuse to carry their share of the work load. Travelers feel it when they long for home or experience a language barrier. Anyone who wants to better themselves or make a difference in this life feels alone because betterment is always a fight against the current.
But what if I told you, no matter the cause, there is an infallible and always available cure for your lonliness?