Sometimes we think of being irreplaceable as free stardom. We think of it as something that “ups” our self esteem, that makes us worthy of awards, recognitions, praise and prizes. We all long to be seen as irreplaceable because it makes us feel valuable and loved.
It’s a beautiful thing!
I’m not going to lie, up until pretty much writing this post, I’ve resented being a mother. I see “I <3 being a mom” shirts and people tell me, “Just enjoy it, they grow up so fast” …but all I feel is jealousy and my blood starting to boil a little bit. I’m not saying I regret having children, because I don’t. I wanted them. I wanted this perfect little vision of children and motherhood that I had inside my mind. I had visions of tea parties and family board games (without pieces flying everywhere). I had visions of listening to my children laugh and play nicely together while I got things done nearby. I had visions of perfectly clean, little smiley angels who minded when I asked them nicely to do things as long as I was reasonable. I had visions of enjoying teaching my cooperative, attentive and eager little ones to read and learn about life, language, nature and God as they hung on my every word. I had visions of enjoying motherhood!
Do you see that face? Do you see that FACE? It is the epitome of uncontrollable joy. It is a happiness explosion that reaches to his toes, just because I looked at him and smiled!
Have you ever been around kids? All they want is to be seen. They can hardly do anything without an audience.
Why? Because it makes them feel worth our time and our attention. It makes them feel important and valuable. It makes them feel loved!
I can’t even tell you how hard it is to write sometimes… and yet at the same time it is impossible not to write. I feel called, pushed, driven to share the deepest parts of myself so that even one person might be edified, encouraged or lifted up in some way. But, what if the opposite happens? What if I only let my readers down? What if I am no different or better than anyone else? What if my writing isn’t any good? What if everything I feel needs to be said has already been said before? What if my thoughts aren’t expressed well? What if I let those who believe in me down? What if I let God down? After all, isn’t this supposedly His plan?
I am almost constantly plagued by these feelings of inadequacy (Read also: Spiritual Warfare). For example, out of fear, I have already failed to post four times this week alone! (Not to mention the dozen or more posts that are pretty much written but still unpublished.)
How can God work with me if I refuse to respond to His promptings? How can I grow if I’m not willing to make mistakes?
We love because he first loved us. ~ 1 John 4:19
I have been struggling a lot lately with being so needed. Anyone who is a mother knows this constant feeling all too well. You start to feel like your worth is purely utilitarian, like you don’t matter except when someone needs something – which they constantly do. There is no such thing as free time, and when there is, you pretty much always spend it doing something necessary. With four littles now, the perfectionist side of me is ashamed to admit that I am completely at the end of my rope.
The thing is, it’s always when I get to the end of my rope that God teaches me.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ~ Matthew 11:29
We’ve all heard that there are 2 things you should never pray for, humility and patience. Why? Why because God might ask us to practice them, of course!
Why me? Why this? Why now? Why do these things happen to me?
Why must I constantly give more? Why does it feel like the more I give, the more you want to take? Why do you never let me feel like what I’ve given is good enough?
I was trying to get ready to leave on a trip with my husband. We were finally completely packed and ready to go… all I had left to do was put the kids to bed so we could wake up bright and early the next morning and head out….Then I remembered how I meant to fertilize all the plants and quickly spray down our fruit trees before we left. So, we all went outside… Fertilizer went well but, when I went to put the fruit tree spray in the hose attachment to do the trees, I discovered that there were two rather large cracks in the bottom of the container. Oil based bug spray concentrate was pouring everywhere!!!
No matter our status, life just always seems to be busy. We are so good at filling up every possible moment. Avoiding boredom seems to be an innately human urge. Sometimes it almost feels like we are running away from something or afraid. Anyhow, that is another topic for another time. The point is, our lives are full – the question is, are they full of the right things?